Mare's Nest

Originally posted
March 7, 2012

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him."

(1 Corinthians 1:27-29, NIV)

            The first rule of existence should be, "Keep it simple, stupid." Despite how complicated life is, for me, these are words to live by. I wasn't always so willing to embrace the unconventional idea that less is more. I do not speak only of the material world and those things which we may gain from it. There are greater areas of our lives that require an uncompounded approach. As Leonardo Da Vinci said, "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." 

            The greatest tool for lifting the burden of such complications is to focus on simple things; those things which bring the most joy and meaning. When we simplify, we eliminate those elements which are unnecessary, allowing the necessary to have a voice. We must chip away, through the process of elimination, as the sculptor carves the stone before him, piece by piece. The way to a life of simplicity is in learning to let go.           
            The complex nature of life can be subjugated through abandoning the needless wants of life. When we reduce the clutter, the chaos reduces itself. Simplicity will come when what you want and what you need are one and the same. At base, life is very simple, but we make it complicated. We hold to ownership and belief, trying so hard to get more. Instead of getting more, we should be wanting less.
            While it is important to rid ourselves of the more physical mare's nest, we must also rid ourselves of spiritual complications. We must free ourselves of old trappings and ideologies, allowing the true nature of the Divine to shape us. We must rid our center of the daily grind, ever striving for silence and balance. As Socrates warned, "Beware the barrenness of a busy life."
            We must be content with what we have. We must celebrate the way things are. When you see you have everything, then you want for nothing. Truth be told, there are many more things which we do not want. When we stop to recognize all we do have, we reduce to the simplest terms, and return to the base ideas formed in childhood. The simplest approach is usually the most fruitful.

“Simply the thing that I am shall make me live.”

 (All's Well That Ends Well, William Shakespeare 1604-05)

            It was complete chaos. My mind, my body and my spirit all screamed of disrepute. I was confounded to sanity, whatever that may be. I could not find myself, all dazed to the voices and flashes and fury of a mind outside itself. I do not know if I was crazy, or going that way quickly, but for the first time in my life, I was scared by what might happen. I felt as if I was dying inside.

            In the fall of 1995, I just about went out of my mind. Not only was I still grieving the loss of my partner, battling the after-effects of an addiction to Demerol and Morphine, and trying to find my way, untreated for Bi-polar disorder, but a greater battle raged within me. It was for my very soul. In an almost literal manner, I felt like Faust. His battle with temptation, knowledge and the devil was becoming my daily lot in life. I was deep in study, trying my best to understand the religion of my parents and why it seemed to shun me. If Jesus didn't want me, then I was left no other choice. I went in looking for answers and ended up in torment when I found some. The truth crept in and made me quite mad.
            It was a difficult thing for me to let go of Jesus. Since childhood, His presence and teaching made up the entire gamut of my ideas on God. Even when I studied theological paradoxes and alternate history back before Doug died, I still managed to maintain a strong affinity for the Christian way of thinking. When I reluctantly began thinking for myself, absorbing concepts and ideologies from outside my faith structure, I began to fall apart. I couldn't handle the truth.
            Through the works of Karen Armstrong to John Dominic Crossan, I started to understand outside my conditioned intellectual and spiritual position. The writing of Tom Harpur, Anthony De Mello and even philosophers like Plato and Socrates, slowly reshaped my thinking and shed an unwanted light on the corrupted history apparent in God's relationship to humanity. As my relationship with what I had once considered infallible turned to a complicated weave of lies, dogma and bias, I recognized that not all was as it had appeared to be. I felt as if the Spirit within me had exited, leaving me to war with both God and the devil.
            The ways of man, his thinking and rebellion against the Holy, had always been tools of this devil in my judgment. God, throughout Scripture, warns us of the foolishness gained in the world. When these "heretical" and "evil" notions became part of me, I wondered whether Satan had gained a stronger foothold in my sensibilities. Having been cast to the pit for my sexual make-up, and sinful nature, it mattered little to me if the heat was turned up. As the flames of my damnation licked at my heels, I started to understand more fully. I wanted to know why and I demanded from myself surrender to whatever I should find myself facing in the end. I never even considered I would have to turn away from Christianity altogether. Such turmoil caused a great schism and drove me deeper into a place of darkness in my mind.
            It was as if a virus had been released into my system, attacking almost everything I had been taught to believe and embrace. With reluctant dissension, I allowed it to run rampant, corrupting my faith and its foundations. I experienced a moral and spiritual collapse, all the while the religious wisdom I had always been exposed to started to reform into a new truth, a new way of thinking. I realized the chaos of this conversion could only be quelled in letting go of all that had once been for me. Rather than balancing on an intellectual and spiritual fence, I had to make up my mind and jump to one side or the other. I could not serve two masters. For the first time in my Christian life, I questioned. I questioned God, I questioned Scripture and, without exemption, I questioned the Christ. I was swallowed whole by guilt and shame.
            There was no other way for me. I was trapped in a catch-22. It had been made clear to me, through Scripture and the Church, that God did not want me as I was. Even though I had surrendered previously to the idea of grand reshaping in order to have righteousness before Jesus, there was little questioning that I was not welcome in this kingdom of God. I had to let it go.
            This was not an easy thing for me to do. I consistently rebuked myself and this new positioning. I felt as if I had flung myself into the pit, all the time forgetting I had already been cast there by God Himself. I had to start from the beginning all over again. As if reborn, I focused on simple ways and the universal truths held by all religions. With the help of my Minster, Reverend Derek Shelley, I found a different door to knock upon. A different path to follow. I had to recognize the commentary for what it was and the message for what it is. I had to be deprogrammed in order to survive God.

"If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was." 

(Richard Bach, American Writer)