HouseofKel: lēctiōnem

"Nobody thinks they're a bad person. I'm not even claiming that people always think they're doing the right thing; they may know that they're doing something dishonest or insensitive or manipulative but they almost always think that there's a good reason for doing it. They almost always think it will turn out for the best in the end, even if it just turns out best for them, because by definition what's best for them is what's best." (The Big Chill, 1983)

Karma is a very interesting thing and it works in strange ways. People think that karma is like a punishment, a result brought on by more immediate behaviours. This is not always the case. Sometimes if we stop and notice, karma has been with us all along. The life we already live is often the indication. Sometimes karma is more about what is than what will be. The proof is in the pudding, so to speak. Sometimes who we already are is punishment enough.

It’s a bit cliché but gay people do not usually have conventional families. Society is changing but most people have not. Often, if we do have contact with blood relatives, it is usually from a distance and usually due only to the biding of one family member or the other. Gay people often find themselves in a position were they must form their own family. The original definition of a family no longer applies. Blood ties make a person your relative not your family. While absence may make “the heart grow fonder,” usually, that absence means the person is already gone long ago and one just didn’t bother to notice. If you haven’t seen someone in over 10 years, chances are they didn’t want to see you.

When my first partner died in 1995, the relationship between his parents and I was tentative at best. There was a connection but it was based more on the financial and physical aspects and primarily through the father. Doug's Mom kept a distance. When Doug's dear old Dad passed away, the relationship between myself and his mother was able to flourish. Outside of blood ties, this what I mean when I say family. I have known her and been her friend far past the length of time I knew her son. This is one of the most spiritually intimate and sincere relationships I have ever had. She isn't "my ex mother-in-law," she is my friend. It took an investment. Years of visits and phone calls and sharing our lives and our fears and all our questions. When we stand grieving together, there is a common ground.

Being Bipolar has only added to my reasons for any personal withdrawal. Some people just aren’t healthy to be around and one is sometimes left no choice. Most people cannot deal with the unpredictability of the disease. Some even try to use that unpredictability to their advantage, well knowing and for their own purpose. The good news is that any decision or action I have taken over the last 15 years has been filtered in a way. Therapy is good for the soul as I talk and she records every doubt, every concern, every challenge. If history repeats she can tell me how and why and when.

People forget.

Often the things we say about someone we already said to someone else.

I find it amusing, people expect more elevated human traits once one claims to be "enlightened" or "cognizant." As with the treatment of Bipolar disease, one is expected to become better and without the more mammalian aspects of the human condition. A half dozen pills or a few insightful memes do not take away from reality, whatever that may be. Every day people get to fall apart but if someone with a mental disease does it means they are "sick." I still get angry and I most certainly still make mistakes. The difference between you and I lies in the awareness of my limitations. I do not recall ever claiming to walk on water and all I can do is my best.

Even now, when I lie down at night, my head isn’t filled with notions of “I could have done this” and “I could have done that.” I seized the day with those I loved and I am not haunted by guilt or remorse. I am haunted by the secrets. I have a life filled with good old friends and good new friends. I have family but most are not related. The literal family I do have remains they same. I have relationships with the people in my life. I invest not just visit.